5 years today
From hizzah on 9/19/2007 12:09:01 PM

Five years ago today I stopped smoking. I wasn't fed up, I hadn't run out of cigarette money, my doctor hadn't told me I was going to die if I didn't stop. It was just time. I made the commitment, set the date, made preparations, and dragged myself kicking and screaming into abstinence.

I wasn't sick. No one believed I was a smoker. Clear skin, white teeth, shiny hair, great lung capacity, clear singing voice. I was a "successful" smoker.

I found QuitNet just a few weeks into my quit, when my mind was playing serious games with me. Why was I quitting? I couldn't remember. Two trips a day by the smoke shop had me gripping the steering wheel hard enough to turn my knuckles blue. I couldn't remember why I quit or why I needed to. Why didn't I just turn in, pick up a pack? So what if I told the staff there I was quitting (and they were losing money, but very supportive).

I was leading some recovery groups during this crucial time, and almost everyone smoked in those groups. It was amazing to me when I showed my underbelly--and vulnerability--how these hardened addicts, all on parole or probation for addiction-related crimes, were so supportive, encouraging, and respectful, asking if I wanted them to put out their cigarettes, did I want some gum, a cup of coffee. They recognized and appreciated the struggle to change. That recognition helped me remember why I quit, kind of reset my brain chemistry and strengthen my resolve.

I don't think there's a right way to quit. I think everyone finds their own right way. And the marking time part is great incentive in the beginning. Anniversaries and milestones are wonderful, but at some point, I found it was important to free myself from the timeline and start looking at the underpinnings of why I smoked in the first place. That's where the hard work comes in. That's where real change comes in. And that's where lasting change happens.

I was in a prison I built for myself when I smoked. At some point--pretty early on--I realized that, even though I wasn't smoking, I was still in that prison. Just quitting smoking doesn't take care of the reason for the behavior. Quitting--stopping the behavior--is just the first step.

I hope you all make it past that first step, whether you're trying to quit, or you've been abstinent for years. And I'm not going to say, "You can do it!" It doesn't mean anything. When you believe it, and find your own way, no one's encouragement will mean as much as the encouragement you give yourself.